The Hounds of Heaven

Being a child of the 60s I was always trying to fund a path to enlightenment. For years I tried drugs to ‘expand my mind,’ but that ended up being a waste of a decade or so. When I got high I’d either end up with hitting a ‘wall of fear’ or I’d run into the pit of despair. The wall of fear was strange because there was nothing I was afraid of. The fear was real right down to the goose bumps, but I could never find the cause. The despair was also strange. It had nothing to do with me. I felt like I could feel the despair of the world. It was like I was tuning in to people’s suffering all over the planet.

With all that effort I got no closer to God. I tried a few religions. Christianity was not one of them. It seemed to me that Christianity was about hypocrisy and narrow-mindedness. The Christians I had met seemed to be out to convert me in order to get more notches on their belts. I figured if Heaven was where the Christians are, I’d go somewhere else.

I tried new age religions like Eckankar, but I really didn’t expect my soul to leave my body and fly about the planet. Why would I want to do that, anyway? I looked into Scientology, but that seemed to be just more science fiction. I looked at Budhism, but the idea of everything becoming one in the end didn't sound attractive. I like being an individual. I checked out what the Hari Krishnas believed. They thought I should leave behind my relationships and obligations and come into their monastery. I like their food and their art, but that was about it.

Then I was laid off at work for a few months and working part time. With my free time, I started thinking about possibilities for the afterlife. I wondered if a person, like the writer of a book, might not be able to create their own eternity. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how little capacity I had to be creative enough if this was the case. Eternity is an awfully long time. If I had to rely on my own creative power, there would be nowhere near enough to fill this void. I’d last a week or two, and then lapse into eternal boredom. If I relied on the creative power of others, I would be subject to their whims. I realized that if I was left in eternity with only these choices, I was utterly and irrevocably lost.

I had walked around the perimeter of myself and saw myself lacking. An eternity alone is a thing to be feared.

At this same time I was getting to know my Christian landlady, Olive, better. My husband and I had rented a house from her one winter and she had done something very unexpected. My part time job was with a realtor and I heard the agents talking about what a shame it was that a couple was going to lose a deal on a house because they couldn’t come up with a down payment. I heard the realtor say the house was $10,000. That got my attention. I asked about the house and went to see it. My husband told me to buy it if I liked it and I did. We gave the first couple some money for their trouble and bought their contract from them.

The house needed a new roof badly and was starting to deteriorate. I told the Olive we would move out when we could come up with the money to fix the roof. To my surprise, she offered to lend me the money. Who would think a landlady would lend a tenant money to move out? We made an arrangement and I paid the Olive back at $100 a month over four months. This meant going to her house to pay her back. During these visits she would answer my questions and I learned about Christianity from the believer’s perspective rather than from the media or the Christianeze.

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. – Isa. 9:2